Hell on earth, winter version.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Vail’s thievery of Park City Mountain Resort was well-documented as it was unforgivable. And now they’re doing what all good corporate robber barons do, they’re exploiting the purloined piece of the Wasatch with a ridiculous development of incongruous scale and unnecessary blandness and naming after a failing technology-heavy hedge fund.

Welcome to Apex Park City.

To wit, places like Park City shouldn’t be thinking about development as much as they should be thinking preservation. Food doesn’t grow there but for a few months per year. Water is a continually disappearing resource and every other little thing has to be flown and trucked in — including people and cocaine.

To read about how Vail stole Park City, click here.

So let’s eliminate the word “sustainable” from the conversation, shall we? A true sustainable development on the Wasatch back would be sinking a shipping container 20 feet underground Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne-style and stocking it with a handful of sister wives and all the hair they could braid and winter veggies they could can.

Instead, it appears a like giant United Club & Airport Lounge really had to take a deuce at 12,000 feet. “Showcasing an artful blend of clean contemporary architecture and sophisticated mountain charm, the residences are designed to draw the outdoors in and engage the picturesque landscape”

^ That’s the best part, does clear-cutting forest and ruining the moose habitat count as “engaging the picturesque landscape.” I’m sure all the mixologists, sushi chefs who watched a season of Chef on Netflix and thought “I can do this” and folks who aren’t used to carrying skis, anywhere, ever, will delight in rutting season taking place right next to their kimchi-scallion chawanmushi appetizer.

“Apex Residences at Park City is going to be the highest elevation ski development at Park City Resorts’ Canyons Village. Apex is brought to you by the same architect who designed Stein Eriksen Residences in Upper Deer Valley.”

^ First off, shouts out to the marketing copywriters for resisting the temptation to throw in the words: “urban-rustic”. That said, I think this sell point operates on the assumption that no potential buyer has seen or been in the Stein Eriksen Residences in Upper Deer Valley, I have. It’s nice(ish) in an Airbnb or corporate retreat I’m-gonna-bang-that-chick/dude-so-hard-their-lanyard-is-gonna-leave-a-mark kind of way. Rough-hewn contemporary siding on the outside. Kind-of working radiant concrete flooring or high-end Pergo (with the fake knot holes) on the inside. Small living spaces adorned with grass cloth wall paper and a cow pelt, no deer pelt, no flannel pelt from the underemployed bearded hipster who has a MFA but is making your coffee and heating up your chocolate croissant at Snow Park Restaurant. One of the units, the one they show you, has a bathtub shaped like a cracked egg that looks out onto snow.

But don’t think of this as clear cutting in the name of homogeneous mountain town hegemony. Think of this as an investment in your family’s future security.

For only $1,375,000 to $3,536,000 your great grandchildren — in the middle of The Uprising — can live like the House Stark of Winterfell fighting off peasants by chucking the high-end glassware and lighting up and tossing over the 6-burner Wolf range nobody ever bothered to turn on using the rally cry #selfiepreservation.

Andrew J. Pridgen helps run sister site Death of the Press Box and is the author of the novella “Burgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.