Because…ugh.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Donald Trump just made a lot of big oil execs and Francophobes very happy by removing America from the Paris Climate Accord.

But all hope is not lost. You still CAN do something.

Below, some ideas on how to be your own Paris agreement.

Stop eating cupcakes: Baking releases carcinogens into the air and sugar leads to ordering exercise equipment on TV. Also, sprinkles are made from foster baby toenails in a factory with no windows.

Quit texting and tweeting: All this screen time is causing you to glow from the inside like a piece of uranium in a Scooby-Doo mystery.

Don’t buy that top: It’s likely made of mostly plastic even though it doesn’t say so on the label and that plastic will eventually end up in your mouth and in your tummy and then you won’t decompose for 1,000 years. Trust me, the way things are going you don’t want to be around for that long.

Quit researching really quick what the agreement is so you can talk about it tonight: It’s like your Ochem midterm, you either know the material or you don’t.

Go cold turkey on MSNBC, CNN and FOX: All they’re trying to do is sell you Copper Fit.

No more superhero movies: OK, Wonder Woman …but that’s it.

Cancel your subscription to the New York Times: We know you just signed up during the election but they seem to have plenty of money from all those pictures of Michelle Williams looking like she’s about to make out with her handbag.

Sell your car and stop wearing deodorant: Nobody wants you to come visit anyway, especially now that you smell.

Put yourself on a no-fly list: Every vacation ends the same anyway with you regretting what you did the night before you left then learning that every unexpected Jamaican pregnancy does not end up with you owning a bar and married to Tom Cruise.

Start smoking and wear a beret. Drink wine with every meal: Viva la France!

Don’t wait for late night talk show hosts and their jokes: Write your own, like the one below.

Celibacy: Just because (for the first time in his life) Trump made everyone angry by pulling out doesn’t mean you have to.

Andrew J. Pridgen helps run sister site Death of the Press Box and is the author of the novella “Burgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.