Sure, Wirth also rolls out ‘warm’ed-over ‘90s band along with all the adjectives in his 4th of July address, but the private equity firm’s mouthpiece ski resort CEO underscores all this with an expression of his daily conundrum to the listserv’d masses.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Squaw CEO Andy Wirth’s latest press release, entitled, in very Guthrie-esque fashion: Happy Fourth of July: Our Mountains are Your Mountains, deploys his usual raft of adjectives. In order they are: historic, incredible, remarkable, phenomenal, incredible, prideful, beautiful and warm. …But there is also something more, much much more: The first tacit admission of his own role in the killing of the industry carefully tucked into a non-sequitur disguised as a call for inclusion.

More on that in a second.

…Wirth warms up with some nostalgia including an all-time name check in the form of Todd Park Mohr, the lead singer of Big Head Todd and The Monsters, which is a big band for you if you matriculated from Boulder in precisely the year 1995.

Doesn’t ring a bell? Perhaps you may recognize them from your last road trip tuned into Siriusxm ‘90s on 9 sandwiched somewhere between Sixpence None the Richer and Deep Blue Something.

Wirth claims a personal relationship with “Todd”, but my money’s on the notion that he recently found his Dawson’s Creek Original Soundtrack CD in a pile of stuff his mom was giving away last time he was home and decided to have the front office peeps call up the bands on it to possibly headline the long weekend. Paula Cole, Train, Evan and Jaron and B*witched, I’m assuming, were otherwise indisposed.

Either way, time to dust off your chokers, Silver Tabs, Tevas and 21% interest MBNA starter credit cards, because Bittersweet will be ringing off Granite Chief Squaw Monday afternoon.

…Most of the rest of the email is penned in typical Wirth-style—filler-rich, hyper-corporate-approved, overly wordy, strangely choreographed, next-gen punctuated gobbledy gook:

“Now is our time to celebrate [exclamation point]”

“…The most remarkable month of June ever [itals]”

“The passion and love for skiing and riding that we have seen this June has been infectious.” (You didn’t think you’d make it out of a Wirth nut graph without being infected? Other examples here and here and here.)

…But then With meanders (or in his words “wanders”) into/out of “our great nation’s political muck and mire.”

Hmm. I can only assume he sparked a bone while throwing down in front of the monitor streaming It’s Alright. 

I’m going to roll up the release’s final paragraph in its entirety because it’s fucking brilliant. So much so that I’m looking for a Truckee tattoo artist to give me a script treatment of this between my shoulder blades over an airbrushed American flag. PM me if you’re interested in that type of body art work:

“Here at Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows we embrace and celebrate the ethnic, lifestyle choice and cultural diversity of our community and nation. Not only are the freedoms that bring about this diversity at the very core of our nation’s ethos, they are in essence what we’re celebrating from now through Tuesday. How do we actually express this? Simply put, there are no walls here, just beautiful mountains and we warmly welcome all who enjoy if not love the mountains, regardless of their faith, cultural background, ethnicity and more! More simply stated, all will find a warm welcome here at Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows.”

  1. Diversity? …In one of the most ethnically cleansed, homogeneous and socio-economically exclusive activities this side of a Three Percenters rally in one of the most economically divisive moments in any empire’s history? Check.
  2. “…Are in essence what we’re celebrating from now through Tuesday.” Guess it’s back to all white rich guys taking selfies for no one from Tuesday on.
  3. “How do we actually express this?” ← Boom. The Money Shot. Wirth, perhaps inadvertently, deploys his rhetorical questions/inner monologue/own mortal coil. I know this is sentence is meant to be for his own edification in attempts to answer the question eternal: “How can I profit so mightily from watching the industry I pretend to love, and maybe at one time—when my hair was spiky on top and touched my shoulders in the back—actually did, be deconstructed and devastated one water theme park at a time due to my own complicit work on behalf of my corporate overlords?” My answer to him/to this would be: “Probably start by staffing up next season so folks who are waiting in line to park, buy a ticket, get on a lift can actually make it to the front before Independence Day weekend.”
  4. Also, I, personally, am firmly in the enjoy but not love …the mountains camp. Glad to know I’m still welcome.
  5. “Faith, cultural background, ethnicity and more!” I’m assuming “and more” exclamation point means households that earn less than $180k/year are welcome this weekend only …though I’m not quite sure.

Anyway, to Andy and all the folks who’ll be schralping in cargo shorts and Old Navy bikini tops this weekend, enjoy. Winter, after all, has otherwise just gotten its transfer papers to Mars to join NASA’s colony of child sex slaves.

Or in the [ital] words of Andy’s Friend Todd, More sweet than bitter, more bitter than sweet.

Andrew J. Pridgen helps run sister site Death of the Press Box and is the author of the novella “Burgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.

1 COMMENT

  1. Note that when you watch the equally smarmy accompanying video…the token Hispanic person is shown only as a server in the fake village. He then goes on to mention a love for fishing and paddle boarding…obviously not in AndyLand.

    B*witched: I almost choked on my sandwich laughing.

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