Hint: it’s not what you call science!

By Andrew J. Pridgen

In June of 1985, Ken “Balacazar” Pearson met with a clandestine group of High Wizards near the beautiful white babbling springs of the hillsides and rare tree groves just outside Twin Falls, Idaho.

It was there, in a standard retreat-format, Pearson and featured speakers and leaders from the local 148, 42A and Seventeen-XI group(s) of righteous and blessed activists completing their cleansing mission, revealed the below text unearthed from a nearby boulder cave.

The original statement was written on parchment with the use of multiple versions of ancient tongues of the Supreme Ones as well as the Deseret alphabet and some times tables. Pearson and group, today more commonly recognized as the “The Leaders and Pontificators of The Knowledge, Squared” were able to translate the text using the “Aunt Bee the Juror” episode of “The Andy Griffith Show”, the found book of Lazarus 2 and a TI-55 calculator.

An excerpt from the translated text (into English) is as follows:

…In the year of our beloved and clean-mind maker 2015 (which is actually the year 27B, but you know this) a Golden White Swan god of light, civility and virility… and light, will descend and come down from the literal heavens using a golden escalator vessel with his virgin Slovenian bride.

He hath lived and occupied, through all space and time, the clouds. His entire life spent wielding the best of the best over jealous peons in his monochrome tower of power and the best deals have been made and the supreme decision making fury hath been wrought.

No man or law could e’er forced him down from his perch until he decided, bravely, “This is the time of times!” He is a disruptor, the ultimate savior, a boss of bosses with a resplendent truth-spouting mouth that reminds everyone of the end of a balloon that some kid has been sucking on in the doctor’s office waiting room. The pussy grabber of all grabbers whose beautiful life and long tie garment of success shall be spread, to be the signal of the conqueror, from sea to shining sea.

His enemies will be delivered before him and crushed at his feet. The intergalactic superstar magnate will finally rid us of the scourge of people who attempt to work and feed their families and try to get along with their neighbors. NO MORE!

He will give is the signal #maga and the password #covfefe (don’t worry, it will all make sense dear soothsayers) to show us, the occupants of the Seventh Sector of Alcontadar, the way to a life of dream-like passion and enormous shared wealth and actual gold-flaked cupcake-frosted daily beauty.

He is able to control the emotions and bodies of evil liberals in media, revealing their true selves through their lies as they commit acts of violence using the worst words and signs and ball bearings against THOSE WHO WALK ASTRIDE GIANTS. These dissenting animals shall perish at the Feast of the Gilded Leader in the year 2017 as they choke on their own rhetoric and try to tear down beautiful monuments to whites who suffered at the hands of those vastly inferior and jealous.

As the exalted deal-maker continues to gain in power and stature and strength, an evil uprising against his calm demeanor shall need to be rebuffed. It will sadden the heavens above and sicken God himself who sent his ULTIMATE LEADER, HIS SECOND SON and even though he’s pretty OK with how things are going to this point and will also be busy trying to figure out what the point is of that game show The Wall, he will send a sign to those who are doing his ultimate bidding.

The sun will disappear starting Monday, August 21, 2017. God himself will use the ray of darkness to signal to those haters in dissent, both sides, that there will be no more disagreeing with what The Ultimate Deal-maker says. Let him and his son-in-law liaise all the deals and I will give you the sun and show you the light once more.

….And so it was written and so it shall be.